Happiness is a Choice

“And all of a sudden I feel like I can’t cry for you anymore. Whatever reasons I had, well, they no longer exist, do they?”

That’s how I’m feeling right now. But have I really finished grieving?

Nah, I know, grieving is a process. A pretty much ongoing process. I’m talking about the blubbering, desperate, hopeless part of grieving.

You’re dead to me now. Whatever connection there was between you and I, it no longer exists.

I’ll tell you what shouldn’t exist. Broken relationships shouldn’t exist. They’re like living death. Divorce? It’s death. Saying goodbye is the same to me. A loved one passing away—these are all equal. Yeah, we’ve done it to ourselves, really. But this misery we live in, it IS our lives; and we make do.

I kid you not, blog ideas and examples and titles run through my mind at least 5 times a day. All they really do is make me feel guilty, though, since I’m not really acting on these thoughts. I think I’m definitely the “type” (there are types, yes?) of writer.. or let’s just call it a phase that I’m in.. who has so much going on inside my head that it’s just clutter. Chaotic, though, as it is, I love it. I think it’s beautiful. Ha! Every once in a while it just gets to be way too much to handle. And that’s when I just have to get it outta there (via the written/typed/spoken word). It’s only when I start to pull things out of here—word by word, idea by idea—that things actually become coherent.

So just a warning: it’s been quite a while. Things may or may not make sense to the average person…

Much has happened since I last.. spoke… I’m not even sure if I told you where in the world I am going! Sheesh!

Well, world, here it is. In a few short weeks, I’ll leave the comfort of the states bound for Cameroon, Africa. I’m going to be teaching elementary school to children in Lassin, Cameroon. One of my favorite parts about all of this is that I’ll be walking at least 6 miles a day (the length of the round trip walk to school from the town I’ll be living in). I’ll do my best to update (maybe a little more frequently) on my goings-on for the next year. Words don’t accurately describe how much I appreciate your prayers for me, the other faculty, and the students we’ll be teaching. Thank you so, so much.

This last week, it was pretty overwhelming—the thought of all that’s going to happen. I actually said to a friend yesterday “What am I thinking? Getting into all of this? Why am I doing this to myself??” Immediately, ideas for this blog popped into my head. I’m not doing this to myself, and it’s not even something that is being inflicted on me. This is a journey that my God is taking me on. This is just my life taking a slight turn from the norm. Whether I want to believe it right now or not, this is an adventure that my soul’s been waiting for. It seems like I have been waiting so, so long.

Yeah, so, this last week, as people everywhere were asking me the same questions and I was giving each person pretty much the same generic answers, I actually tried to listen to what I was saying to them.

“What am I telling them? Oh, I’m going to Cameroon. To teach lil’ kids in elementary school. Yeah, you know, the basics. Scared? Well, it hasn’t really hit me yet…”

So that’s when it started to hit me. That’s when I started to kind of hyperventilate. Inside, of course. I wouldn’t want to freak this innocent bystander out with my insecurities that they probably don’t even care about… Breathe…

Honesty. Honesty is something that I value, that I believe in, that I’d like to think I really possess. Honestly, my relationship with God has pretty much been all about me lately. This Friend who I have—He’s the best friend in the whole, entire universe, really.. better than Barney.. He’s all we really need and our only source of true Love and true Life and anything and everything that is really good—well I haven’t really been taking time to acknowledge Him much. It’s been this way most of the summer. It’s been this way most of this year. It’s been this way for way too freakin’ long.

And anyway, to speak of this long day packed with so many things in a few words, today I remember that He’s got my back still. And you know that. Well, I hope you know that (speaking of your back, too, actually.. not just mine).

Today, I was reminded that it is ridiculous, unnerving (well, yeah), inefficient, totally and tantalizingly tacky, and just plain dumb for me to be worried about this whatsoever. This me-going-to-Africa business is just like any other change/trial/obstacle in any ordinary day of the life of Jessica Hunt. The same me that is currently in Tennessee, but was in Georgia yesterday and California a week and a half ago, this same me who is a chemistry major at SAU and has chugged through those premed classes these last two years (miraculously), well, this same me will just be in Lassin, Cameroon, beginning August 31, for the next 8 and a half months. No biggie.

The big deal about all of that stuff is that my God, the God who’s been here all along—before us, during us, and forever more with us (hopefully, us)—well, He’ll be over there with me, too! He’s not going anywhere! Even though I’m moving away from all my friends, all my family, even the strangers that I’ve become so accustomed to, the Friend who’s the Best Friend in the whole entire universe will be right by my side; He’ll never leave me. If nothing else, the twenty kids that will temporarily be under my care on any given day this next year in Cameroon will have that going for them. Our God takes care of us that way.

This little girl, who feels like life is going at breakneck speed today but was more like a sloth yesterday (man, it really WAS slow!), well, my hope is in Jesus. He’s my Rock, my Refuge, my Portion. Right now, I’m filled with joy for no other reason but that.