Now or Never

Alright, so, really, if I don't write this right now, at this instant, as I'm writing my blog in my head as I usually do, I'll never post another one. It's now or never. I've come to realize that I'm really good at blogging in my head. So good at it that I usually refuse to blog any other way. Often I feel that once I've come up with something meaningful, gone over it at least once in my mind, then there's no recovering it. It's my just-wing-this attitude, and I love it. It's all about timing. Doesn't always work out for others, though. My timing, that is.

I'm adopting this now or never mentality in many areas of my life. And then again, I'm absolutely not. I have always been one to seize opportunities, try as many new things as I (or my fear/insecurities) allow, and travel, travel, travel. Actually, I recently started feeling guilty about my travel. People would never let me forget just HOW lucky I really, really was or how much more I had done than them. And that started me thinking. I mean, I wasn't really doing it because I really desired to with like all of my being, so why was I? I tend to second guess motives. Are they good enough? Do I have the right reasoning, 'cause if not, then I better just stop. Press pause 'til I gain my composure and my thinking can catch up with my physical state. And well, I still haven't decided if that's a good idea or not...

Anyway, now or never. Yeah, so one thing that I've really wanted to do is be a missionary. Why not take a year off during my undergrad to see the world while serving while learning and loving? So I'm doin' it.

As many have learned, I am planning on going to Africa in late August as a student missionary to teach little kids (approx. grades 2-4). Although I was originally shooting for Malawi-- otherwise known as Africa for beginners (my mom really loved this idea)-- it now looks like I'm headed west to Cameroon, Africa (or "mini Africa").

It really, really hasn't clicked, what I'm doing. It hasn't even clicked that I'm going to California in like 4 days to work at a new camp. It hasn't even hit me that my best friend's getting married (?!?) in 3 days. I can hardly comprehend that I'm a junior in college, have excelled (say what?) the last year in physics and organic chemistry, even completed my premed core classes-- and all these are just things of the past! I really need to get with it. Get with the program, Jess, please.

Oh, but saying and doing are two very different acts. Some lyrics to one of my new favorites say "I want to change the world/ instead I sleep/... all I can do is keep breathing.."

I strive for balance in life, but.. Yeah, you know. I tend to just oscillate from extreme to extreme. Why?? I know, I know. I've realized more than ever this week that I can't accomplish much at all on my own. I keep looking too much at the big picture that I miss this moment. Or, then, I catch myself all wrapped up in right... NOW. I get all caught up in details, details, details, here, there, and everywhere.. so much so that I really have no idea what's going on anymore. Where am I again? This is the balance struggle I've been having lately. Then what I end up doing is just hitting pause-- temporarily of course. I usually think that it'll all come back to me.. yep, any second now.. you can come back to me any second now.. But I think what it takes, is a thorough examination on my part 'cause I really end up just forgetting. So what is this? What exactly's going on here? After all, here, in your life, that is for YOU to know, yeah?

I've done this exact thing with an unfinished puzzle of mine (more or less). I refuse to study it any longer. Whether it be any individual piece or the beautiful painting as a whole, I just don't know what to do with it anymore. So I've pressed pause. I hope that, in a year, I can come back to it with a fresh mind, new perspective. Currently, though, it's under my bed, pinned to a bulletin board and covered in a plastic bag. I've written something like "Don't touch. Keep out, or else. PLEASE do not unwrap/complete puzzle." haha!

This "press pause" business has nothing to do with me going to Africa for a year. I think I'm actually currently coming back from one of those pauses, ready to experience life at the fullest again, as a gift from our Creator.

Please continue to pray for me and the other students going out this year. I'm in for a new experience to say the least.

Break it down if You're Jumbled Up

I used to hate Jumble puzzles. I hated them because I was no good. No matter how hard I tried to unscramble those stinkin’ words, someone else (usually my mom) would always, always get ‘em first. So I pretty much just stopped trying. Why keep it up if I never got it? Horrible conclusion, I know. Anyways, the point is that in order to more easily unscramble a given word, it’s best to write down letter combinations. Try that ‘t’ first; or maybe it’s the ‘d’ instead? No, okay, how about a ‘tion’ ending? Or ‘-ed’? This seems to always help. Just so is my mind—filled to the brim with thoughts. Sometimes it’s just too full to handle, so I’ve gotta write this stuff down! It only even begins to become coherent when I talk or write it out.

So, even though blogging sorta kinda intimidates me.. and I’m really more of a private person.. I’m gonna do it.

As I ride in the car back up to knox-ico, I can’t help but think, think, think. My heart is heavy, heavy, heavy. Man. The end of my second year at Southern, a little time with family and friends, anxiety.. or anticipation?.. for this summer of MCATs and SM preparation, and SAU’s 2010 graduation have all got my brain smokin’. Aaahhh! Breathe. Though I’ve always been a planner, a controller, lately I’ve come to accept spontaneity, nonplanning, and the dare-I-say freedom of the unknown. This day, however, has got my stomach in the knot of all knots. My thoughts, plans, ideas for this day have all.. imploded. Haha! Not quite so violent as an implosion, but, yeah. For someone who’s been recently freed from the bondage of the I-am-in-control mentality, the itty-bitty screw-ups of today are seemingly no big deal at all. But for some reason, I feel utterly broken by them.

Have you even been broken? I’m not talking bones or even hearts in the “but, I loved him” sense… I’m talking spirits. Has your spirit even been completely broken? As harsh as it’s sounds, I hope that you have had the privilege of being broken. Yeah, it’s happened to me, too. Why the bad connotations with the word or idea of “broken”? Probably because it’s painful. Probably because it’s not really the cookie-cutter idea of ourselves. Probably because it’s just embarrassing, uncomfortable, yuck, yuck, yuck.

But, for me, broken is truly beautiful. Kinda like the feeling you get after a really big, mother of all cries, cry. What a feeling! It’s like complete resolve; but a resolve to just let go. It’s so beautiful, especially after trying, trying, trying SO HARD to accomplish so much on your own. Let’s face it—that’s impossible. And so it just feels so nice to really face that. Yeah.

That’s kinda a process that’s been gradually happening to me for some time, I think. Not sure when the word ‘go’ was, but it’s all been manifesting itself a lot more lately. And I’m glad for it.

I’ve been praying that God lead me, guide me, show me the way to go. Today I’ve noticed that one way to know God isn’t leading us to here or there is to see how those plans that you’ve tried and tried to make and remake and then remake again just keep falling through and crumbling and.. imploding ha. So instead of getting too frustrated, or, rather, instead of holding on to my frustration, I’ll take that peace of God’s onto my shoulders. Feels a lot better compared the yuckiness I create for myself. I’ve gotta be broken, but that’s okay. I don’t wanna be built up in me; I want Him built up in me.

In a few months I’ll be going somewhere… haha! Where will I end up? Satan’s been trying so, so hard to discourage me from going, but I’ve gotta let encouragement from Jesus influence me more than that. Since May’s here, I guess I better get on the ball. In Him, I can do all things.