I'm Giving Up (10/17/10)

I've been stuck in Kumbo since Friday morning. This is a record.Three days.
And ugh,I'm sick of it. I've been learning things, though. We got to skip
school on Friday. We're skipping school tomorrow, too. I feel guilty about
missing school, but no one seems to care. Which makes me think that I should
really care. Even if no one else cares, I'll try and care. And so, during
the 9 weeks 'til Christmas and, after that, the 8 weeks 'til spring break
and, after that, the 9 weeks 'til May 10, I really want to try my best to
not miss a single day of school if I can help it. It's so easy to come up
with an excuse; and because of that, I think it is so important to have an
excuse to actually go to school. Being here in Kumbo with Kim and Kat has
really magnified my homesickness. While here, I picked up 3 packages at the
post office from my mom (thanks mom!). It was so, so, SO good to get those!
One was full of crayons (and my MCAT study books and some candy, too. and
there's not a whole lot left haha). I'm really looking forward to seeing my
students use the crayons! One box is full of Sabbath school quarterlies and
Guides and stuff. Then there was an actual care package-with my Conflict of
Ages books, tea, another outfit for school, s'more candy, and, best of all,
some Knox News Sentinel crossword pages! I've already completed many of the
puzzles (not the crosswords, though).
Lately, I've really been thinking about some things. For starters, I am such
a selfish being. It's something that is inside of me. Nothing that I do
changes that about me. It is part of who I am. Another thing I've been
contemplating is how much I really depend on others. My whole life, I have
been very well taken care of-by someone, even if at times it really only is
God. I've been fed, clothed, sheltered, loved. Some people really aren't
taken care of by anyone but God. I'm so blessed to have had the friends,
family, and opportunities that I have. That's all so cliché. I hate writing
like this.
This weekend I have also really noticed, focused on, my introversion. I
really need time to be alone. We've all been in such close quarters with
each other this weekend on our little occasion. Yesterday, I just had to go
into the bathroom to be alone. I just stood there and stared out the window
at the trees, the wind winding through the leaves; I felt a lot better after
just breathing that fresh air. Today I took out the trash and walked up and
down the road that our hotel is on. That was so nice, too. The sun was
fierce today. Last night, it was like the three of us were a carton of
sardines in this queen (full's more like it) size bed. I am not really
looking forward to tonight at all. I just hope I'm not going to be in the
middle.
Spending all this time with Kim and Kat really makes me miss my mom. It also
really makes me appreciate her. It's making me consider my behavior. There
really are too many times I feel like a ten or eleven-year old. There are
actually too many times I look back at my behavior and feel ashamed. How can
I be so selfish?
I have so, so much. I have so much. Why? Who am I that I could be so
blessed? I do not understand it. I know I must give. I must give of myself.
Give everything away. Let God have it all. Give what I have to those who do
not have. Give to all. Give them love, money, time. Give them my ears, my
feet, my hands.
I don't want to think high thoughts of myself. I want to be humbled. Don't
you want to put others before yourself? No? Yeah, me neither. That is
because we are selfish! Didn't you hear me before? Nothing that we do can
change that about ourselves. Please, Lord. Please, please change our hearts.
We are nothing without You. We can do nothing of ourselves. I cannot do this
on my own. Let us put others before ourselves in all things. In all things
let us trust in Your understanding and not our own.