Alright, so, really, if I don't write this right now, at this instant, as I'm writing my blog in my head as I usually do, I'll never post another one. It's now or never. I've come to realize that I'm really good at blogging in my head. So good at it that I usually refuse to blog any other way. Often I feel that once I've come up with something meaningful, gone over it at least once in my mind, then there's no recovering it. It's my just-wing-this attitude, and I love it. It's all about timing. Doesn't always work out for others, though. My timing, that is.
I'm adopting this now or never mentality in many areas of my life. And then again, I'm absolutely not. I have always been one to seize opportunities, try as many new things as I (or my fear/insecurities) allow, and travel, travel, travel. Actually, I recently started feeling guilty about my travel. People would never let me forget just HOW lucky I really, really was or how much more I had done than them. And that started me thinking. I mean, I wasn't really doing it because I really desired to with like all of my being, so why was I? I tend to second guess motives. Are they good enough? Do I have the right reasoning, 'cause if not, then I better just stop. Press pause 'til I gain my composure and my thinking can catch up with my physical state. And well, I still haven't decided if that's a good idea or not...
Anyway, now or never. Yeah, so one thing that I've really wanted to do is be a missionary. Why not take a year off during my undergrad to see the world while serving while learning and loving? So I'm doin' it.
As many have learned, I am planning on going to Africa in late August as a student missionary to teach little kids (approx. grades 2-4). Although I was originally shooting for Malawi-- otherwise known as Africa for beginners (my mom really loved this idea)-- it now looks like I'm headed west to Cameroon, Africa (or "mini Africa").
It really, really hasn't clicked, what I'm doing. It hasn't even clicked that I'm going to California in like 4 days to work at a new camp. It hasn't even hit me that my best friend's getting married (?!?) in 3 days. I can hardly comprehend that I'm a junior in college, have excelled (say what?) the last year in physics and organic chemistry, even completed my premed core classes-- and all these are just things of the past! I really need to get with it. Get with the program, Jess, please.
Oh, but saying and doing are two very different acts. Some lyrics to one of my new favorites say "I want to change the world/ instead I sleep/... all I can do is keep breathing.."
I strive for balance in life, but.. Yeah, you know. I tend to just oscillate from extreme to extreme. Why?? I know, I know. I've realized more than ever this week that I can't accomplish much at all on my own. I keep looking too much at the big picture that I miss this moment. Or, then, I catch myself all wrapped up in right... NOW. I get all caught up in details, details, details, here, there, and everywhere.. so much so that I really have no idea what's going on anymore. Where am I again? This is the balance struggle I've been having lately. Then what I end up doing is just hitting pause-- temporarily of course. I usually think that it'll all come back to me.. yep, any second now.. you can come back to me any second now.. But I think what it takes, is a thorough examination on my part 'cause I really end up just forgetting. So what is this? What exactly's going on here? After all, here, in your life, that is for YOU to know, yeah?
I've done this exact thing with an unfinished puzzle of mine (more or less). I refuse to study it any longer. Whether it be any individual piece or the beautiful painting as a whole, I just don't know what to do with it anymore. So I've pressed pause. I hope that, in a year, I can come back to it with a fresh mind, new perspective. Currently, though, it's under my bed, pinned to a bulletin board and covered in a plastic bag. I've written something like "Don't touch. Keep out, or else. PLEASE do not unwrap/complete puzzle." haha!
This "press pause" business has nothing to do with me going to Africa for a year. I think I'm actually currently coming back from one of those pauses, ready to experience life at the fullest again, as a gift from our Creator.
Please continue to pray for me and the other students going out this year. I'm in for a new experience to say the least.
