I used to hate Jumble puzzles. I hated them because I was no good. No matter how hard I tried to unscramble those stinkin’ words, someone else (usually my mom) would always, always get ‘em first. So I pretty much just stopped trying. Why keep it up if I never got it? Horrible conclusion, I know. Anyways, the point is that in order to more easily unscramble a given word, it’s best to write down letter combinations. Try that ‘t’ first; or maybe it’s the ‘d’ instead? No, okay, how about a ‘tion’ ending? Or ‘-ed’? This seems to always help. Just so is my mind—filled to the brim with thoughts. Sometimes it’s just too full to handle, so I’ve gotta write this stuff down! It only even begins to become coherent when I talk or write it out.
So, even though blogging sorta kinda intimidates me.. and I’m really more of a private person.. I’m gonna do it.
As I ride in the car back up to knox-ico, I can’t help but think, think, think. My heart is heavy, heavy, heavy. Man. The end of my second year at Southern, a little time with family and friends, anxiety.. or anticipation?.. for this summer of MCATs and SM preparation, and SAU’s 2010 graduation have all got my brain smokin’. Aaahhh! Breathe. Though I’ve always been a planner, a controller, lately I’ve come to accept spontaneity, nonplanning, and the dare-I-say freedom of the unknown. This day, however, has got my stomach in the knot of all knots. My thoughts, plans, ideas for this day have all.. imploded. Haha! Not quite so violent as an implosion, but, yeah. For someone who’s been recently freed from the bondage of the I-am-in-control mentality, the itty-bitty screw-ups of today are seemingly no big deal at all. But for some reason, I feel utterly broken by them.
Have you even been broken? I’m not talking bones or even hearts in the “but, I loved him” sense… I’m talking spirits. Has your spirit even been completely broken? As harsh as it’s sounds, I hope that you have had the privilege of being broken. Yeah, it’s happened to me, too. Why the bad connotations with the word or idea of “broken”? Probably because it’s painful. Probably because it’s not really the cookie-cutter idea of ourselves. Probably because it’s just embarrassing, uncomfortable, yuck, yuck, yuck.
But, for me, broken is truly beautiful. Kinda like the feeling you get after a really big, mother of all cries, cry. What a feeling! It’s like complete resolve; but a resolve to just let go. It’s so beautiful, especially after trying, trying, trying SO HARD to accomplish so much on your own. Let’s face it—that’s impossible. And so it just feels so nice to really face that. Yeah.
That’s kinda a process that’s been gradually happening to me for some time, I think. Not sure when the word ‘go’ was, but it’s all been manifesting itself a lot more lately. And I’m glad for it.
I’ve been praying that God lead me, guide me, show me the way to go. Today I’ve noticed that one way to know God isn’t leading us to here or there is to see how those plans that you’ve tried and tried to make and remake and then remake again just keep falling through and crumbling and.. imploding ha. So instead of getting too frustrated, or, rather, instead of holding on to my frustration, I’ll take that peace of God’s onto my shoulders. Feels a lot better compared the yuckiness I create for myself. I’ve gotta be broken, but that’s okay. I don’t wanna be built up in me; I want Him built up in me.
In a few months I’ll be going somewhere… haha! Where will I end up? Satan’s been trying so, so hard to discourage me from going, but I’ve gotta let encouragement from Jesus influence me more than that. Since May’s here, I guess I better get on the ball. In Him, I can do all things.
